| I beg to disagree Mr. Larson, Sir. |
[10 Jun 2009|11:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
My family was based in Cdo when I first saw the RENT ads in the papers. (This was in 1999, I think.) Intrigued, I did some research and soon enough, I was itching, dying, to watch the musical in Manila. As I had just recently taken a trip to the capital at that time, I knew it was thick and spoiled of me to ask my parents to buy me tickets for another trip.
I managed to get hold of the 2-CD OST from Tanya and I'm not exaggerating, I cried buckets upon hearing the entire thing.
From that day on, I proclaimed "No day but today!", "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss" and really did my best to live out those mantras.
RENT to me is what Dead Poet's Society is to a lot of people. And obviously, "No day but today!" is my "Carpe Diem!"
Cliche as this may sound, but I give credit to the musical for giving me the courage to go for my dreams, to wear my heart on my sleeve, and to experience each and every emotion and experience to the fullest.
But after a decade of daylights, sunsets, midnights, cups of coffee, inches, miles, laughter, and strife, I learned something no musical can ever impart to me -- that regret is unavoidable if you live the rich and full life I aspire for so much.
Because we are all bound to make mistakes. And regret comes from mistakes.
It's impossible not to feel regret if you truly and strongly cared. Just impossible.
Because to give your all in something also means you're opening yourself up to the possibility, the potential, of disappointment, hurt, and regret.
So, you can protect yourself, put up a wall, and never have to regret anything. Mistakes are easily shrugged off.
But that is not la vie boheme that I try to live.
For me, then, what is crucial is learning and moving on. Looking forward, moving forward, and moving on.
I allow myself to wallow in self-hatred, harsh self criticism, regret, and then I try to snap out of it and move on.
Mr. Larson, I believe and live out everything else you wrote, and I'm still your great, big fan --
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?
In truth that she learned,
Or in times that he cried?
In the bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died?
That is my truth.
|
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| Lessons from Episode 10 |
[09 Jun 2009|09:11pm] |
That the monsters that hide under our beds or in the closest when we were little children don't really disappear. They become even bigger demons named Self-Doubt, Loneliness, and Regret.
That sometimes, words fail us.
That all I really want is my very own Alex Karev.
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| On Why I Write |
[09 Jun 2009|09:28am] |
Perhaps because my heart belongs onstage but honest to goodness I cannot sing to save my loved ones' lives. (Then again, perhaps if given that situation, maybe I could. I am after all Ms. Determination, aren't I?)
But really, I write because it is in writing that I can be completely honest with myself. Dramatic, but honest all the same.
As I said, my heart is in theater, so what do you expect from a drama queen but drama?
I write because I'm forgetful.
I write because I'm secretive and I have this silly belief that if you want something (or sometimes, someone) bad enough, telling anyone else would make all chances of you getting your wish disappear.
I write because I like to channel my inner ... hmmm, I don't know. After reading countless literary masterpieces since third grade (yes, thank you Ms Yap for introducing me to Macbeth, the original text, at a tender age of 8), I still am not sure who I want to be like, as a writer (if any of you are reading this, can you tell me who I remind you of?)
I write because I don't like to be self-centered but I really am, and writing allows me to write about me, myself, and I (although that is gramatically wrong because the "I" there, being subjective first person, should be "me" instead being the object of the preposition "about" -- yes, I loved proofreading express in Ms Yap's class).
I write because my personality does not like to burden others, even my bestest bestest friends, with too much of my drama, of my egocentric stories, of my silly shallow worries. The only times I do are when I am truly at my lowest and those are also the times when I stop writing.
I write because it's a good outlet. You cannot do tension exercises outside of acting workshops and especially not when you're by your lonesome.
I write because I've always dreamed of being on Oprah where she asks me all about me, me, me. Oh wait. This is related to above. But yeah. I can say anything and still be a star and in my mind, everyone is applauding everything I say.
It makes me happy to write again. I have been traveling for almost a year now.
Exploring is a better word. And indeed, to some degree, this year is what I've always imagined it to be –
meeting and connecting with people from all over the world with the most amazing life stories,
imbibing a totally different way of and outlook in life (and finding it quite comforting and almost...home),
experiencing art I longed to see way back in high school,
nonchalantly walking the same roads I saw only in films and read about in books, I only dreamt of back then,
learning to live, and stand, on my own, albeit slowly, and painfully, at times.
Writing grounds me. Reminds me of who I was and shows me who I am.
I have always known, and hopefully always will, but with all the activity and drama going on in my little adventures, I often forget to look at myself. And writing allows that. Writing is the mirror that strips me naked.
And in writing, I see everything.
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| A Lot Like Love |
[07 Jun 2009|10:33pm] |
Running is seemingly a simple, basic sport. And theoretically, something everyone should be able to do without much thought. But there is more to it than putting on your shoes and going out the door. As much as there is that rhythm and harmony we all naturally possess inside of us, running entails some science and engages the faculties of the mind.
But don't overthink it either. It could be the very cause of injury.
I got injured two weeks ago -- I tried to change the way my foot lands, and I concentrated on my every step, literally, that I was awkward and ended up landing on my heel most of the time.
Ladies, a little research will tell you that running is the exact opposite of walking in heels, where the best way to avoid an embarrassing fall is to allow the heels to touch the floor first (hence the click clack sound). Instead, just mind your posture and always run tall, tummy in, straight back and shoulders down. Maintain balance by being aware of your center and the landing should come naturally.
So stop and don't overanalyze. Things might just get messed up. And you can end up injured and needing a break.
Don't worry. Everyone has his or her own pace. That's the beauty of running, I think. It's a very personal, almost spiritual, sport.
Running at a faster pace, I will probably be able to sustain it, quite comfortably for some time, but after a while, I will find myself swearing (in all languages and dialects I know) under my (short-winded) breath. And then, I will feel completely incompetent, inadequate, and I will feel like a total failure.
On the other hand, I think it's also unsustainable to run slower than usual. Because then the movements would be so controlled that the activity would just feel so unnatural and the pleasure would be all lost.
It's a blessing to find someone with the exact same pace as yours, and whose progress also goes along with yours. To be able to share with someone the sweet fulfillment of going beyond a certain distance or beating a personal record is priceless. And rare. For those who have found a running partner like that, be very very grateful. And don't ever let go.
If you haven't, well, keep running. Running alone is a pleasure and I even prefer to run alone most of the time.
Preparation is key to improve your performance and to avoid any pains. Prepare both your body and mind to be undergoing some level of stress, especially when you try to progress and go beyond your comfort zone and explore something new.
Make sure you're equipped properly. Even the smallest details, like what kind socks to wear, will make a huge difference. Make sure your shoes are not worn out, replace them after 700, 750 kms or so. This ensures you get adequate shock absorption and protection for your joints.
Especially as you get older, you will probably have some pains or injuries from previous runs. Don't ignore them. They're there for a reason. Perhaps you went too fast the last time? Or you didn't stretch enough. Do everything you can to completely heal it, even if it means going on relative rest for weeks, or months. Hard as that may sound, think of never running again for the rest of your life. There is always swimming, or cycling, or some other sport to keep you sweating and feeling that rush while you rest your feet.
Don't forget mental preparation. I have a friend who once told me that the enemy is not the tiredness coming from the legs, but the mind telling you to turn around and go back, that you will never get your second wind. I am not aware of how people motivate themselves, but for me, nothing pumps me up more than Kylie Minogue's "Love At First Sight". Hey, whatever works, right?
When a run is finished, don't forget to replenish everything you have lost. Drink up. Take in as much water as you can and within an hour of the run, have a light snack that's good for you -- a tub of yogurt or a banana or some swear by sports drinks. I love peanut butter on a slice of wheat bread (at least 4g of fiber!).
Personally though, I don't have an appetite after a good run. But I just do it because I know it's good for me and it's what I need. Something with depleted glycogen leading to lost muscle tissue, therefore slowing down your metabolism (if you're thinking of your weight) or slowing down your bulking up (if that's your thing). Either way, just believe in the science (research it yourself) and eat a little something. It's for the best.
Running is very addicting, maybe it's purely chemical and we can blame the endorphins. But maybe it's also the psychic high we get when we reach something new, or beat a personal record (or a world record, if you're hardcore). I don't know. It could be different for everyone. But always remember to take it slow. Never increase speed or mileage too fast or hello shin splits. Very tempting, I know, but control yourself and know that there is proper timing for everything.
Me, my favorite trail of mine is the one that leads to Puyricard. It's one hell of a climb at first (OK, for a wuss like me) because it starts off with a pretty steep and looooooong slope (it's probably just a kilometer or two but it feels like forever sometimes) but I always always look forward to the long stretch of road (Chemin de Lauves, I think, or something like that) with Provencal vineyards and lavender fields and the magnificient St. Victoire in the backdrop. There's always something to look forward to in a run, and I don't mean the end of it!
To combat boredom when you're not lucky and living in the south of France (:p), welcome change and new challenges everyday. Maybe a new trail (or just go the opposite direction), or a new surface. It will help you find your balance better, strengthen you, and overall, make you a better runner.
And always, always, be cautious. Be careful. Take care of yourself. You run because you love yourself, your body, and life in general. As much as it is a wonderful respite to escape daily stress by going on a long run and leaving whatever worries behind, common sense should not be left at home.
Avoid dark, shady areas. Do not run with your ipod on when running roadside (OK guilty, but I leave one earphone off). Run against traffic so you see the cars. When running at night (after sunset), wear bright colors and reflective stripes. Always remember that though running builds up strength, it does not make runners invincible.
I love to run. Although I'm not particularly good at it, I do it anyway. And every time I do, I try not to be afraid and do something a little different, in the hopes that in the end, it makes me a better runner.
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| today's quote |
[06 May 2009|12:33pm] |
We lose many things simply out of our fear of losing them.
-from Brida
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[14 Apr 2009|10:39pm] |
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why is it that everything i've taken cared of for years suddenly fall apart here in france? :c je suis triste.
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| troubled voices |
[29 Mar 2009|01:57am] |
i can't sit still for some reason.
ho hum...
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| im back |
[24 Feb 2009|06:46pm] |
here in aix, i mean. weird, but i kind of missed this little room of mine. in a hey-i-know-you kind of way, you know?
i am raring to find a bigger place, preferably one with a kitchen but this is comfy and cozy and best of all, easy to clean.
anyway, so much to do, so much to think about.
i miss having someone to talk to and to rant to and to blab to, without having to worry about anything. just let things out.
i am really loving my life right now and it still seems sort of surreal what is happening -- me living out of my suitcase (i left my pack back home) and meeting new people and seeing things ive studied about come to life. im learning to love traveling all by myself, and really starting to appreciate the company of myself.
its the good life, if i dont worry too much about my dwindling bank account and the current state of the job market.
i can definitely get used to this.
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| Random thoughts throughout my day today |
[11 Feb 2009|01:31am] |
I knew it! Hmph.
=
The more you keep me from doing something, the more stubborn I become.
=
I will never give up my running and it will be the end of me if I lose my strong legs. Knock on wood. I will never give up running.
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| quickie |
[06 Feb 2009|03:16pm] |
I have been ridiculously wallowing in self pity and misery the past month and for no reason at all. Yes, Aix is awfully quiet and yes, the beach baby is longing for the waters and the sun and sand and summer but hello, or should i say, coocoo! I am in fricking south of France, my dream destination since God knows when.
Really now, if I could kick myself in the ass (and I have a great one by the way ;p) I would.
All it took was my brother telling me: So you mean you actually cry?!
Haha.
I'm off for a "warm" walk in the city with my sweet German neighbor.
A tout!
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| it's official. |
[29 Jan 2009|12:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 much better now |
] |
| [ |
music |
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take a message by remy shand |
] |
the wall's up.
have to start taking care of myself. have allowed myself to get so dependent on others for my happiness that my past couple of weeks have been some of the worst in my life.
eeeeeeeeewwww rod. you're pathetic. disgusting.
get a life!
thank God i have a great family back home who never tire of writing me loooong emails and brothers who manage to say the right things (surprising things) at the right time.
i am indeed one lucky girl. so stop moping, rod.
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[25 Jan 2009|11:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 can't wait |
] |
| [ |
music |
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island in the sun by weezer (talk about winter denial) |
] |
as soon as i finish my exams (last one on Thursday!), i can focus on doing the more important things in life -- you know, changing my userpic, researching travel stuff for eastern europe, harassing air asia (in K's behalf), organizing cheese and wine picnics at the park, and uploading pictures onto my french blog (for Mickey's sake).
repeat after me: this too shall pass. this too shall pass. i shall pass. i shall pass.
i hate fixed income securities! i hate math! ppppppfffttttttttt!
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| i dont even look like that anymore. |
[24 Jan 2009|03:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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rien. not even crickets. hmph. |
] |
it's been what, two years, since i've written here?
i was online-stalking a significant figure in my past (technically not MY past) when i stumbled upon a nice stalker webtool. which i'm not sharing with you of course. it'll be my little secret.
i decided to search for me and lo and behold, someone actually dedicates a blog entry to me. except that i don't know what's in it since it's a private blocked entry.
i may be a pretty good stalker, but i'm not a hacker.
so anyway, i miss writing. and i miss my blog. and i miss not thinking twice, not hesitating, just going, just typing away.
so please, i beg you, if by chance, you see this update, you're more than welcome to follow it. come back often and read and stalk me. but please don't tell me who you are.
because first, if you were following my blog, ergo my life, intently, it's just too freaky. and second, i don't want to blog for you, my dear stalker of a reader. i am blogging for myself.
so...of course all this i decided to do on a friday night, well...saturday morning (3am) when i'm supposed to be supernerd and preparing for my fixed income securities on monday.
oh well. whatever happens on monday, i'll live. and i'll live well :)
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| I'm back. |
[31 May 2007|11:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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lifehouse |
] |
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| An early New Year's entry |
[08 Oct 2006|02:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 at peace. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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justin timberlake's losing my way (perfect make out song) |
] |
2006 isn't over yet and i don't think i ever want it to end.
it has been a great year. GREAT.
i did not make resolutions for this year, but if i did, i'd be pretty darn proud of myself. let's enumerate:
1) i've lost some weight. (thanks to food poisoning and diabetic medicine)
2) i've rekindled my relationship with P.
3) i've learned to drive (albeit an A/T) and i can even park in shang's parking lot ;p
4) i'm leaving the Bank (subject to the COO's approval, but come on, what do they have on me? the bond wil be paid) and starting a business.
5) i've lost a couple of things, but gained a whole lot in exchange.
6) i'm learning to make decisions and more importantly, stick to them. i'm not so commitment-phobic anymore.
7) i wear [a] Happy Heart. everyday.
ally mcbeal said, "If you look back and realize that in that year, you did not shed a tear, consider that year wasted."
well, with the buckets i've shed this year so far, consider my 2006 a year well spent.
lulundagin ko na siya, Father.
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| young and restless |
[14 Sep 2006|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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joss stone |
] |
there's something about youth that's just so intoxicating. it's that light buzz you get after downing one too many beers (or weng wengs) when you're not very sure of your footing, but hell, every sway of the hip feels just right.
everything is just ahead of you. forward forward forward.
i don't know what's happened to me the past few weeks but i am glad i am over that glitch.
things are looking up again. i've regained my positive, confident, secure spirit once again and i am so excited every single second of my life. (yes, even some moments at work give me that rush that makes me go, yes! i'm alive and boy am i good at what i do haha)
we (tin, are you there? hee) bank on our youth for the hasty decisions we make and the mistakes that stem from them.
because we are free.
however, after all is said and done, i still believe that it is in commitment where i can be truly free.
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| halp |
[11 Sep 2006|10:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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jaco pasturious |
] |
i love my life, really i do.
i just wish i weren't so stuck.
other than that, i really couldn't wish for anything else.
thank you.
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| Crossroads |
[04 Sep 2006|09:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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urban dub |
] |
nothing's official yet so i don't like to talk about it. only a select few know.
but it really scares me. i don't know if i should push through with it because it's one huge life-altering decision.
or maybe not.
it's all exciting right now and boy what an ego trip, but i don't know if i'll be able to handle it. as of now, im struggling inside and moving along, but if i go for it, will i be strong enough to commit?
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| because today was something. |
[06 Aug 2006|10:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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pinikpikan --yes i miss you. |
] |
i know i shouldn't harbor negative feelings about others. it's just gonna eat me up and eat up my relationships with those around me.
forgive but never forget because it is in forgetting that we do not learn.
loving oneself is key to loving others.
--
in other news, i'm not as enlightened as i wish i were.
now, what to do, what to do?
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| its been a while now. |
[26 Jul 2006|10:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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madonna |
] |
so many
so many
so many!
thats not gonna make sense to you. and i intend to keep it that way ;p
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